Big Boy Board

I’m sitting here at work thinking about this blog. I haven’t really posted much lately, due in part to I have no home computer, it’s been broken for ages. And just don’t think to do it at work. I was thinking about my blog today. I started with intentions of it kind of being a live journal of sorts. I find that I sensor myself though. Enough to where I feel like it’s fake almost. That it’s not truly me. Well some things are. Like when I post about my friends, that’s real. Or if I blog about a conversation I had with someone. Or a crazy idea I come up with. But a lot of days I feel like I have so much going on inside my head and nowhere to get it out. I’m the kind of person that when I stress or have a lot on my plate or emotional stuff going on, I retreat into myself. I won’t answer phone calls or reach out to call my best friend in TX.

So I’m thinking that I need to take better advantage of my blog and actually use it and be truthful in it.

Almost 2 years ago we did a board breaking exercise in our monthly meeting. The point was to put your issue or goal on one side and on the other put what’s holding you back. At the time I was way not happy in my marriage and kind of just discouraged in life in general, kind of a ground hogs day feeling (from the movie). I put that I had all this going on in my head on one side (through a picture) and on the other side I put that me caring too much what others or society thought of me was holding me back. We had 2 types of boards to choose from: a regular board and another tougher board. While I didn’t think I could break either, I went for the tougher board, or the “big boy board” as I called it. That’s kind of how I am, even if I don’t know that I can do it, I go for the harder one, because if I do accomplish, wow it was the harder version. After we drew/wrote on our boards, we chose someone to hold it and then we did 2 “spacing” shots and then we were to plow through the board with the palm of our hand while yelling yes! I chose a friend who is very supportive of me to hold my board. I was SO surprised that I actually broke though it! A hug for my friend and hi-fives all around!

I saved the board and I keep it on my desk. Kind of as a reminder that I broke through my big boy board of stuff that was holding me back.

I was looking at it today thinking how far I’ve come in 2 years. I am officially divorced and working on not caring so much what people think of me. As long as I’m happy and I haven’t killed anyone, then that should be enough for me. So now I work on making me happy and providing a happy home for my girls. I still care what people think but now it doesn’t paralyze my actions. It’s scary to make leaps based on nothing but the faith that one day it will be ok. But with forward movement and excitement sometimes comes fear. Conquering my fears allows for more forward movement and excitement.

I’m working on me, I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it.